2006

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. 365 days. One year. It's funny how a year can seem like it'll last an eternity and yet, when all is said and done, the eternity seems to have just flown by. 2006 was no exception. Nevertheless, not to be dramatic – on second though, I will be dramatic because I am dramatic [so apologies beforehand] – this year was the most important year of my entire life thus far. I didn't actually realize this until moments ago. Last year has had such an impact on me developing as a person that I seem to have let the numerous events of 06 slip out of mind. Regardless of the undeniable fact that 2005 brought about some radical changes in both my behaviour and mindset, 06 has led me to a place between naïve innocence and wild drunken table-dancing. Looking past the daily dramas, the execution of Saddam Hussein, and my tendency to fall in and out of love like clockwork, the majority of the year has been quiet; it's been a slow and gradual evolution toward a better place. I live with balance and strive for a holistic lifestyle. I still stumble from time to time and "What will become of me?" still comes to mind but can honestly say I am proud of who I am. I look forward to 2007 with optimistic eyes. Have a bitchin' new year, y'all!

What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Say goodbye to my life and everything I know.

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
- Yes. I wanted to be a good person.

- My resolutions for next year are: grow in faith and spirituality, speak and write in French fluently, write more songs and work on my poetry

Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

Did anyone close to you die?
No.

What countries did you visit?
None.

What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Love.

What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Jan 6. Oddest club night ever with Steph.

Feb 4. Kendra was drunker than me.

Valentine's Day. I had my heartbroken.

March 3. I studied over going to a Holi party.

April 7. My half birthday party.

April 25 to 29. Days jammed with vodka shots, plays, clubs and pubs, and late night cake eating.

June 17. I met Ansel.

July 29. Viva Goa. I'm never performing without earplugs again.

August 2 – 6. Montreal. I got pissed at Kendra.

August 25 & 26. Steph's birthday party.

Oct 9. My birthday.

Nov 28. AIDS in India show.

Dec 13. Last day at Guelph.

Dec 24. Praised for singing at midnight mass.

Dec 25. Christmas.

Dec 28. Goodbye luncheon.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Wanting to live a holistic.

What was your biggest failure?
Stumbling on my journey to a better lifestyle.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had bronchitis for 2 months. I had flu and a cough for 2 and a half months.

What was the best thing you bought?
Black blazer.

Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Dia.

Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Too many to mention.

Where did most of your money go?
Adventures downtown.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Err… I have a tendency to get excited over the smallest things instead of big things.

What song will always remind you of 2006?
"Promiscuous Girl" – Nelly Furtado and Timbaland

Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder?
Happier.

Thinner or fatter?
Thinner.

Richer or poorer?
Poorer.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Club.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Club.

How did you spend Christmas?
At home with my family.

Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yes.

How many one-night stands?
Around 30.

What was your favourite TV program?
Will & Grace. Godiva's. Grey Anatomy. Ugly Betty.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

What was the best book you read?
Glamorama.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Sounds.

What did you want and get?
Yep.

What did you want and not get?
iPod nano.

What was your favourite film of this year?
Water.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Eat massive amounts of dessert at Demetri's with Steph, Joe, and Alicia. 20.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being loved in return.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Modern.

What kept you sane?
Lyndsay. Chelsea. Ben Harper. Diana. Knowing I'd be leaving for Paris. Steph and Kendra at the start of the year. Myself.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Nelly Furtado. Gavin Rossdale. Lenny Kravitz. Kate Moss.

What political issue stirred you the most?
The Indian government refused to remove Section 377 of the Indian penal code.

Who did you miss?
My mom.

Who was the best new person you met?
Noelle Morris.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
All good things come to an end.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"All I can do is try…"

Down to Distrikt: Indie Over House

Yesterday, Stephanie [my best] convinced me to go to Club Distrikt. I didn't realize until today that last night might have been the last time the two of us go to a club downtown together... I wore white and was happy with it lol. I liked the music but not the crowd as much. Synaue, Colin, Dwayne and his girlfriend were there as well. Stephanie hooked up with some guy named Phil I believe [err meh, I say no more haha]. I wanted to dance with this one girl who kept looking at me [though it might have simply been because I was breaking the strictly enforced fashion rule - "No white after Labour Day!"]. She was pretty. Some guy mauled her soon after I noticed her and she walked off the dancefloor.

I don't think i like clubs in the same way. I don't really like dressing up and going to clubs as much as before. I still like to dance but the whole drinking-over-priced-alcohol-and-paying-tons-of-money-to-be-surrounded-by-off-beaters-or-groped-by-sleaze isn't my thing anymore. I think I'm now one of the better dancers I know/have seen in my last few club experiences and knowing this bores me... [Oh, I didn't mean that in a snob way... more reflective]. It makes me not even want to try. The people that come to these places aren't there for dancing, they're there for sex. By the end of the night, I was hoping it would end and I could be home in my bed. I kept thinking I'd prefer to be in some artsy coffeehouse right now, chilling and listening to so good acoustic indie. I love the city still. I would just rather go downtown during the day. My interests have just changed from staying out all night drinking and dancing till I drop [and yes, the occasional one-night-stand] to singing and playing my guitar, to watching films, to go restaurants eat massive amounts of food lol...

I thought this change was because of another person. I thought wrong. This change was gradual and had slowly started at the beginning of summer vacation.

Clubs are fun but I definitely don't want to go to another one for a while. I've learnt as much as i want from clubs and I have learnt a lot from them; they've taught me about dealing with drunks, protecting myself, hold large amounts of alcohol, and how to out dance a room full of people. I'm proud of what I've learnt and of myself for moving on. lol Man, I must sound like such a killjoy. I'm not. I'm not hating on clubs, I just think moderation... or infrequency for now... is the key.

i want the earthtones.

like an earthtone. you are a worn out green jacket. a true earth poet. subtly controlling my every day. you're so brillant, so subtly brillant. beautiful skin, beautiful voice, beautiful soul. you live the holistic life i want to live. you are inspired by Ben Harper, promote environmental sustainability, and wear your afro with skill. you are a healthy dose of subsistient-living. goodbye. - da'an

AIDS in India

Last night was the "AIDS in India" show. It did not turn out how I wanted but we were able to raise around 200 dollars for ASAAP. Noelle, Mandippal, and Alysha performed; all were amazing as expected. I was too sick to sing but I [barely] managed to get through my short talks on HIV prevention in India. (Buckley's Decongestant Liquid was in full force.) Dr. Krell and Dr. Deshpande gave short talks as well. Iman refused to dance – I guess I should think again before asking performers with bigger egos than talent…

After the show, I realized how difficult fighting preventing HIV/AIDS in India will be. I just hope I'm strong enough to persist.

The following is an excerpt from a piece I wrote on AIDS in India:

To answer the question, the virus must become extinct for AIDS to discontinue. As such, biologists in the medical field must find a cure to destroy the virus within the body. Sadly, however, biological medicine has become highly commoditized and, as was mentioned, HIV/AIDS most greatly affects those with little money living in the undeveloped world. The director of the HIV/AIDS programme at Human Rights Watch, Joanne Csete, was quoted saying, "It is a sad irony that India is one of the biggest producers of the drugs that have transformed the lives of people with AIDS in wealthy countries. But for millions of Indians, access to these medicines is a distant dream."

To protect future generations from acquiring the virus, the social aspects of AIDS transmission must be looked at. Through prevention and safe sex education and practice, new cases of HIV/AIDS will decrease and eventually, if there are no new cases, then the virus will die out. Bringing safe sex practices into a culture is something that can be done by the people and does not require a doctrine or lab funding.

Still, it is very unlikely every infected individual in the world will practice safe sex. Research from both disciplines is currently required to end the issue at hand, focusing on the five major groups and their interconnected relationship.

Although injecting drug use has declined from 13% to 10% in 2005, it is still an issue for HIV transmission in India. It is difficult to pass on knowledge about HIV transmission to this group. There are very strict laws against drug usage in India which in turn make it hard to actually reach out to this group of people. More importantly though, it must be known that needle-sharing has implications that go beyond the circle of drug users. The government must allow HIV messages regarding needle-sharing to be presented to this group if changes are to be made. Many injecting drug users are male truck drivers. India has one of the largest road networks in the world, involving millions of drivers and helpers. "There is no entertainment. It is day-in-day-out driving... When they stop, they drink, dine and have sex with women. Then they transfer HIV from urban to rural settings."[i] Truck drivers not only infect the women the sleep with on the road but their wives when they return home. Improvements must be made regarding economic and personal benefits for truck drivers. Their travels must be kept shorter giving them time to go home to their families and not resort to drug use and one-night-stands.

Research has shown there is a direct correlation between stigma/discrimination and a young gay male's risk of HIV. "Feeling accepted and supported as a young gay man is very important in terms of self-acceptance and self-esteem. Having high self-esteem among young gay men has been shown to have positive impact on confidence about negotiating sexual relationships and practicing safe sex.."[ii] Permissive laws which equalize the rights of gay men with others in the population can help normalize sexual differences and cause decline in stigma surrounding homosexuality. The social stigma makes it difficult and at times dangerous for young men to disclose their sexuality and 'come out'.[iii] In India, homosexual sexual intercourse is illegal and can hold a 10-year jail sentence.[iv] These anti-homosexuality laws were drafted by the British in 1861. Also, Section 377 of the Indian penal code prohibits "carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal".[v] Denis Broun, UNAIDS India coordinator, said: "Criminalization of people most at risk of HIV infection may increase stigma and discrimination, ultimately fuelling the Aids epidemic."[vi] "It [the law] can adversely contribute to pushing the infection underground and make risky sexual practices go unnoticed and unaddressed," a Naco (National AIDS Control Organization) statement said.[vii] The Indian government must abolish laws against homosexual activity to decrease stigma and discrimination. Since homosexual sex is illegal and homosexual relations are frowned upon, many gay young men marry women. These men secretly continue to have sex with other men, thereby increasing the likelihood of being infected and infecting their wives with HIV.

Unfaithful heterosexual men place themselves and their wives at high risk of being infected with HIV, particularly when they engage in sexual intercourse with sex [street] workers. Sex work is very common in India compared to many other countries. Although brothels and other forms of organized sex work are illegal, sex work is not strictly illegal in India. Women usually turn to this work because of poverty, marital break-up, or because they are forced into it. The government has plans to introduce stricter legislation regarding sex work. This change has been opposed by organized sex worker groups who claim that such legislation would just push the trade underground and make it harder to regulate. It would also make it more difficult to reach sex workers with information about HIV. One national study suggested that 42% of sex workers believe that they can tell whether a client has HIV based on physical appearance. Misinformation and lack of information about AIDS within this group is widespread. To tackle this problem facing the sex workers in Mysore, a 'smart card' scheme has been implemented. Sex workers are given cards that they must present at a health check-up at least once every three months to remain valid. These cards read their medical details/status. These same cards can be used to get discounts for food and clothes in certain shops if the sex worker continues to go to her medical appointments. This encourages sex workers to look after their own health. This plan raises sex workers' self-esteem by integrating them into mainstream culture and thereby, helps them negotiate on condom use with clients. Also, in 1992 the Sonagachi project was implemented. The basis of this project is the three R's: Respect, Reliance and Recognition – respecting sex workers, relying on them to run the program, and recognizing their professional and human rights. Sex workers act as peer-educators and are sent to brothels to teach others about HIV/AIDS and condom use.[viii]

In India, the monogamous housewife is at greater risk of being infected with HIV/AIDS than a sex worker. The rising number of women (over 1.9 million at the last count) afflicted with AIDS is causing alarm in the Indian medical fraternity—especially since more than 90% of these are married women and are in a monogamous relationship.[ix] As the campaign says, these faithful housewives must ask the question "I care for you. Why don't you care for me?" Microbicides will give Indian women the chance to protect themselves from HIV but still be able to get pregnant, which is very important with the social pressures to produce a son. In addition, men in India must be taught the ABC (Abstinence, Be faithful, Condomize) method, with emphasis on being faithful to their wives.

The biological and anthropological issues facing the five groups must be addressed and the interconnected relationship between these groups must been kept in mind to solve the problem at hand.

"The challenges India faces to overcome this epidemic are enormous. Yet India possesses in ample quantities all the resources needed to achieve universal access to HIV prevention and treatment… defeating AIDS will require a significant intensification of our efforts, in India, just as in the rest of the world."[x]

[i] (2006). "HIV and AIDS in India: Who is Affected?". Avert. Retrieved 13 November 2006 from the World Wide Web: <http://www.avert.org/hiv-india.htm>

[ii] (2006). "HIV, AIDS, and young gay men."Avert. Retrieved 13 November 2006 from the World Wide Web: <http://www.avert.org/aidsyounggaymen.htm>

[iii] IBID.

[iv] (2006). "Anger at 'Shameful' India gay laws." BBC News. Retrieved 13 November 2006 from the World Wide Web: <http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/4602068.stm>

[v] (2006). "India HIV group backs gay rethink." BBC News. Retrieved 13 November 2006 from the World Wide Web:

<http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/5198902.stm>

[vi] (2006). "Anger at 'Shameful' India gay laws." BBC News. Retrieved 13 November 2006 from the World Wide Web: <http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/4602068.stm>

[vii] (2006). "India HIV group backs gay rethink." BBC News. Retrieved 13 November 2006 from the World Wide Web:

<http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/5198902.stm>

[viii] (2006). "HIV and AIDS in India: Who is Affected?". Avert. Retrieved 13 November 2006 from the World Wide Web: <http://www.avert.org/hiv-india.htm>

[ix] Khosla, Surabhi. "AIDS and the married Indian Woman." The South Asian. Retrieved 13 November 2006 from the World Wide Web: <http://www.the-south-asian.com/June2005/AIDS-Women-in-India.htm>

[x] (2006). "HIV and AIDS in India: Who is Affected?". Avert. Retrieved 13 November 2006 from the World Wide Web: <http://www.avert.org/hiv-india.htm>

i’m going to tell you a secret…

have you heard that song "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter? it's called "Bay Day" because it's about a bad day. imagine that. i hate that song. really. not just because of the annoying falsetto Daniel whines the song out with but because i think i'm living the lyrics right now. i'm sick and struggling to get through songs that i usually find to be rather easy. blah.

i've been meaning to write an entry and i suppose there is no better time than this. this semester has been no more than an endless stream of hard work. i don't think i can remember what it feels like not to be rushing off to do something or another. the life of a typical university student i suppose. nevertheless, i was beginning to think i wasn't finding time to develop myself as a person anymore. last year, the radical changes seemed to be unavoidably noticeable. yet this time around i don't feel like i've done anything but procrastinate and then work like mad.

i was wrong to think such things though. after Ankita's dinner, i realized how much i have actually grown. i feel mature. i'm really not too sure how it happened to be quite honest. but like most great things, it just snuck up on me.

the semester is almost over. i've been patiently waiting for this for the past four months. it's almost here and yet now i'm thinking "Hm, if I only had a little bit more time…" if i only had a little more time, i could finish my calculus quiz and master a course i loathe. if i only had a little more time, i could continue to mend failing friendships. if i only had a little more time, i could sleep in a bit more and avoid being called "haggard". if i only had a little more time, i could prolong this waiting game that i am loving so much - honestly, waiting has never been so beautiful. regardless, the semester is almost over and the time is almost here. i'm going to tell you a secret…

The Perfect Singer/Halloween

each note must flow with easy but with achievement. each phrase must ring with originality. and each song must move them all. i want to be so intense that it hurts. there is no point without passion. i don't want to be the perfect singer; i'm not that arrogant. i want to make music like raw electric blue. or like American lo-fi tranquility. soulful stuff conveying emotions that can only be expressed with a sigh. i just want to be great.

there is something about Halloween night that is different than most holidays. it is a night where children rule with a simple phrase. where we disguise ourselves behind funny masks and pounds of face paint. everything has seemed to have gone a bit bizarre. and the night air tastes crisp and cool. happy la lo ween! (:

a perfect night out

new vest. train ride with stephi. lime margaritas. dinner at Mr Green Jeans. my two favourite friends, Dia and Stephi. well, three: vodka. London bridges fell. my new favourite club, Inside. first cold club experience of the season (coat check was in use - i love coat check <3). color="#009900">smack that. rum and coke (and usually coke makes me really sick - but God was on my side). kept my no hangover streak alive (never one have i had one - i was designed for this lifestyle yayy). up at 8 and able to sing at mass. (: we brought sexy back.. YEA

p.s it should be known that Dia needs a driver's liscence but is amazing regardless!! :P

scared of the past

before i started to change, i noticed when he would see me... he'd smile. and i hated it and it was like the most evil piercing smile. like it hurt me but i didn't like him at all by this point. i was disgusted by him in fact. yet it hurt. i think i figured out why tonight. the reason why i hated when he'd smile at me was because he wasn't smiling at me to say hello or as a sexual thing. he was smiling because i had become exactly like him. when he first met me i was like the sweetest kid, fuck i was almost an angel at that... and within less than 6 months i had become this glamour-driven drunk whore who was more sought after than the guy who had changed me.

my friend's reply: maybe, you never know.. that could've been exactly what he was thinking, but i almost feel like i dont want to give him that much credit, to actually see the irony int he situations, or to see the similarity between his creation and himself. cause technically you could just have misread his smile seeing as you really don't know his character that well.

she's right. she's so right. i never got to know him well enough before i let him into my life. and he's completely changed who i am. i may have returned to a place where substance matters over status and being beautiful is not the most significant daily worry.. but i'm not the same. i have the scars and the lessons i've learnt along the way. although i have evolved to a better place, his effect on who i am will remain as a part of my past. yet i barely knew him. i'll never really ever know. and that scares me.

Time

Watch the time running
Run, run down your face.
Facing the façade before the inevitable,
Facing the little white lies.

Watch the time bleeding
Bleed, bleed from your eyes.
Eyes replaced by bloodsockets,
Eyes that could never really see.

Watch the time tick
Tick, tock. Tick, tock, sings the clock.
Clocking away with its arrogant smirk,
Clocking away melodically and haunting us forever.